So! Do we get to talk about sex now? Well, actually no. What I’m going to talk about is love. If you are in love and being loved, it is part of the natural process to make love, and this is both fun and fraught with all sorts of problems. In a relationship, as successful Rules Players, we have to be kind, courteous, reverential, stimulating, creative, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, and sexual. Within that sexual relationship, we have to be all those things as well respectful, kind, etc. We have to take our partner’s needs and wants into consideration without subjecting ourselves to anything we wouldn’t want to do or find embarrassing or difficult. We have the right to privacy. We have the right to respect. We have the right to be held in high esteem.
And so does our partner. Consideration has to be the keyword. We have to be considerate of what our partner needs, likes, wants, is capable of doing. We have to be courteous.
And yes, within all this there is a space and a place for passion, for excitement, for rude raunchy sex. We don’t have to be tame to be considerate, we don’t have to be inhibited to be kind, we don’t have to be tame just because we are being respectful. This isn’t about being unexciting or dreary or boring just because we are taking our partner’s safety, privacy, health, intimacy into account. Even the most passionate lovers can be kind to each other while tearing each other’s clothes off and having very physical sex the two can go together.
Having sex with someone you love making love if you like is an honor in a way. (For me, just having someone these days who is prepared to take her clothes off at the same time as I do is an honor….) Making love is as close as we are ever going to get to another human being, as intimate as it is ever going to be. If we don’t move respectfully in this arena, then what are we doing? And respect grows out of knowledge of not only what our partner likes best but of the whole process. We should be as skillful as possible, and if we aren’t, it is something we can spend a bit of time learning about. There is no shame in learning. We can’t all be born the best drivers and the best lovers in the world.